Starring Andy Griffith...
With Ronny Howard.
Also starring Don knotts.
Thanks for the lift, Barney.
Oh, you're welcome, Thelma Lou.
Let's see if I have my market list.
Oh, yes, here it is.
Okay, I'll see you tonight about 7:30, okay?
Okay, Barney.
Don't do that.
Why
well...
Folks know about you and me.
Well, yeah, but you just don't come out
and kiss a deputy on the jaw
right out on the street.
Oh, Barney, why not?
Well, because.
I'm sorry.
That's all right.
It's just that in my position, why...
Excuse me, Thelma Lou.
I got to take care of a little parking violation.
I'll see you later.
Bye.
I'm sorry, miss.
This is a restricted parking area.
Oh, I'm sorry...
Officer.
I'm new in town
and I didn't realize I was doing anything wrong.
Well, uh...
I wanted some directions
and I thought maybe you'd help... officer.
Certainly, ma'am.
Well, I was just trying
to find my way to the post office.
Uh, uh, post office?
Uh-huh.
Well, the post office is, uh...
Why don't you just get in your car
and I'll get in my car, and then you follow me
and I'll take you there.
Why, thank you.
You just step right in here
and I'll open the door for you.
Get right in the seat there.
Thank you.
You should've seen him...
Acting like he was leading her down the Oregon trail.
Well, I expect he was just trying to help.
Oh, hi, Thelma Lou.
Hi, chief.
Barn.
Did you get all your shopping done?
Yes. Did you?
Huh?
Who's the girl?
What girl?
The one who got the police escort to the post office.
Oh, her.
Yes, her. Who is she?
Well, her name's Melissa Stevens.
She just moved here with her daddy
and they're renting the old Pearson place
out on post road
till they find where they want to settle.
Her daddy's name's George.
He owned a cotton mill down in Savannah.
Had some shipping interests, too.
Made his bundle. He's retired now.
He's a widower.
His wife died four years ago last October
and Melissa's been taking care of him ever since.
That's why she's never married, see.
She's an educated girl, too.
She went to junior college down there, two years.
Real nice girl, Thelma Lou.
You oughta get to know her.
You'd like her a lot.
She's a... what's the matter?
You get all this information
just showing her the way to the post office?
Well, no. I didn't just show her the way.
Naturally, I escorted her inside.
Oh, naturally.
Well, my gosh, Thelma Lou, what did you expect?
You just can't point and run.
She's new here.
Being an officer
it's practically my duty to show her around.
Right, Andy?
Oh. Yeah, yeah.
What did you have to show her
that she couldn't find herself?
Well, lots of things...
The stamp machine, the parcel post window
the outgoing airmail slot.
Yeah. They're hard to find.
Well, I mean, when you're new in town...
Oh, the poor little lost lamb.
Now, wait a minute, Thelma Lou.
No, you wait a minute.
You oughta know you made a big fool of yourself.
Why? Because I happen to be courteous to a stranger
strictly in the line of duty?
And it was strictly in the line of duty, right, Andy?
I'd rather stay out of this.
What if I did offer my hand to help her out of the car?
And what if she did hold on to it
all the way through the post office?
That's probably just a custom where she comes from.
Barney, I'd change the subject.
I know your trouble, Thelma Lou.
You're suffering from the age-old problem
of all females.
Jealousy, just plain green-eyed jealousy.
Well! Barney Fife, either you and I
are going together or we are not.
Barney, I'd change the subject.
Well, maybe we're going together
but you don't own me... Not yet, you don't.
I'm still a free man, you hear?
Of course, Mr. Fife.
You're as free as a bird
and for that matter, so am I.
Now, if you don't mind, I believe I'll fly away.
I believe it's now too late to change the subject.
Won't talk to me. Won't answer the phone.
Won't come to the door when I call.
So if that's the way she wants it, it's all right with me.
Thelma Lou got a mad on at you, has she?
Andy, what is it with women?
They got some kind of a rule
they can't be happy unless they're causing trouble?
Oh, I wouldn't worry about it, Barney.
She'll simmer down.
And there'll be all the fun of making up
and hugging and kissing and then another falling out
and more hugging and more kissing.
Look at it like this.
See, you're just practicing up for married life.
Boy. If this is practicing up for marriage,
I'm going to study up to be a hermit.
I'm through with women, Andy. I've had it.
Far as I'm concerned,
you can take every blame female in the whole world
and put them on a slow boat to China.
Hello. Deputy Fife speaking.
Oh, hi, Melissa.
Well, shucks, Melissa.
It was a pleasure.
Well, I thought you might like to come
and have supper with daddy and me tonight.
Supper?
Well, I don't know if I really ought to.
Uh...
Why not?
I'd be delighted.
Yeah.
7:00-ish it is.
That for you, Thelma Lou.
Well, she's just gonna get
that much madder at you.
Well, who cares?
I'm a free man.
I might as well play the field.
Tonight Melissa, tomorrow night juanita.
After that...
Who knows?
Here's another one for you.
What is it that's yellow
has four legs, flies, and weighs a thousand pounds?
I don't know. Do you, daddy?
I don't know. What is it?
Two 500-pound canaries.
Oh, by golly, I like a good story.
Two 500-pound canaries.
Mr. Fife,
don't tell me you also have a knowledge of music?
Yes, ma'am.
I ain't ashamed to say
that us rugged lawmen have our gentler moments.
You know, it kinda eases the tension
after dealing with violence all day.
Might we have the pleasure of hearing a selection?
Well, shucks, I don't see why not.
What numbers do you have in your repertoire, Mr. Fife?
Are you kiddin'? You just name it.
"Kitten on the keys," "roses of picardy,"
"funiculi, funicula," you just name it.
Daddy, isn't he a treasure?
Morning, Andy.
Hi.
Well...
Got in late last night, didn't ya?
Yeah.
Yeah. I guess I didn't hit the old sack
till almost 10:30.
Boy, these late hours are gonna kill me dead.
You better stop it, too.
Stop what?
You better stop messin' around up at that girl's house
and you better get over there and make up with Thelma Lou.
Well, maybe I ain't in any rush to.
Maybe I kinda like playing the field.
You going up there again?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Tonight, as a matter of fact.
All right.
Suit yourself
but I think when you got a steady girl
you ought to be true to her.
You know, Andy
you're kinda cute in your old-fashioned way
you know that?
No, I don't suppose I'll stay
in the sheriffing business all my life.
What do you really wanna do, Barney?
Oh, I might go into private detective work one day...
You know, open up my own office.
Well, that'd cost a few dollars, wouldn't it?
Yeah, but I watch my money pretty close.
I got a pretty good nest egg in the bank now.
Well, why don't we go in the living room
where we'll be more comfortable?
Mmm. That's a good idea.
I'll get your chair, Melissa.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah. I suppose I'll always stay
in some sort of lawman's work.
I've even thought of the f.B.I.
But, uh...
I thought maybe I'd drop old j. Edgar a note
one of these days and sort of feel him out.
Well, I imagine you two would like to be alone.
Yeah. I'll just read my paper.
Boy, he sure is a nice guy, your daddy.
Kind of... kind of a young-looking fella.
Barney?
Huh?
You think I'm nice, too?
Well, uh, yeah.
Yeah.
Say...
Listen, I sure hope
we didn't drive your father out of here.
No.
No, no. We didn't.
The light was bothering my eyes.
Yeah. Well, they'll do that.
It also makes the room warmer.
Yeah. They can do that, too.
It's surprising how much heat can be thrown
by a little 60-watt bulb like that.
Boy, they... they sure can heat up the room.
Barney?
Huh?
Isn't this nice...
Yeah.
With the lights out?
Yeah. It...
It seems to be a little bit cooler already.
Barney?
Hmm?
Wouldn't you like to stay like this forever?
Well...
Well, wouldn't you?
Yeah. I guess.
Barney, do you mean it?
Daddy! Daddy, come quick!
Wait'll you hear!
What hear what?
What is it
daddy, guess what?
Barney has just proposed to me.
He did?
He did.
I did?
Well, congratulations.
Oh, my boy!
Andy...
What is it?
Did you see this item
in the mayberry merry
"what local deputy and what
"recently-arrived Southern belle
"are passed the hand-holding stage
and ready to set the date?"
Let me see.
What does that mean, paw?
What does what mean?
"Passed the hand-holding stage
and ready to set the date"?
They're ready to set the date for the wedding.
But I thought Barney had a girl... Thelma Lou.
He does. This is somebody else.
What does he need two of them for?
He doesn't.
You'd better get going to school.
But if he's got one girl
why does he need another one?
Andy! Andy!
Did you see this?
Barney, if you got one girl
why do you need another one?
Come along, Opie.
But if he's got one girl...?
What am I going to do about this?
I knew she was sweet on me
but I never dreamed it'd go this far.
Melissa had that put in there.
She claims I proposed to her.
Did you?
Of course not.
I was just sitting on the sofa
and all of a sudden she turned off the lights
to cool off the room, and, boom, I'm engaged!
My gosh, Andy, what am I going to do?
What do you want to do?
I want to get out of this.
And you got to help me.
You're my friend, my buddy.
After I go in
and talk to Thelma Lou for a little bit
you come up and wait outside the door
and when I think the time's right
for you to come in, I'll signal to you by sneezing twice.
You got that?
Yeah. Sneeze twice.
Stay with me, will you?
I will.
Why, Andy.
Afternoon, Thelma Lou.
May I come in?
Sure.
Okay.
Just what was it you came to see me about, Andy?
Was it personal or business?
Oh, business, business.
Of course, business. What else?
I just thought maybe you came to talk about a certain person
I'd rather not discuss.
If that should be the case...
Oh, no. No.
No. I'm here on official business, like I said.
What I'm actually doing... I'm making a door-to-door survey
regarding founder's day celebration.
See, we want to get everybody's thoughts on it.
Yes?
You got any thoughts on it?
It's founder's day.
I suppose we might as well celebrate it.
That's a good thought.
And-and-and about the parade...
Now, I think this year we ought to go all out
you know, and have the drum and Fife core and...
Oh, I said "Fife."
That's the very person
you didn't want to discuss.
You are so right.
But since we opened up the subject
we might as well go ahead and discuss it, right?
Wrong.
Now, the situation between you and Barney...
Sheriff, I do not care to discuss Barney Fife.
If that was your purpose in coming over here
you can leave right now!
Well, speak of the devil
you didn't sneeze twice, Andy.
Is the time ripe?
I guess not.
Thelma Lou, all Barney wants
is to beg your forgiveness.
Ain't that right, Barn?
I want to beg your forgiveness, Thelma Lou.
The poor fella's only crime
was loving you too much.
I love you too much, too much.
When his heart become filled with bitterness
at the thought of losing you
he turned to another.
Turned to another, turned right to another.
He was a victim of circumstance
not of his own making
a pawn in the hands of a wily woman.
Oh, she was wily, Thelma Lou.
She said the room's too warm...
So he's come back to you
a sadder but wiser Barney Fife.
That's me in a nutshell.
What do you say, Thelma Lou?
Thelma Lou?
You really want me to forgive you?
Oh, I sure do.
You want us to go back the way we were?
Oh, golly, Thelma Lou, more than anything.
Will that be all right with your fiance?
Uh, h
now, listen, Thelma Lou.
Don't you worry about her.
I'm going right over there now
and tell her it's all off between her and me.
I ain't never going to see or speak to her again
or to any woman again.
Barney, I don't care
how many women you see or speak to.
I just don't want you to act like a silly schoolboy
every time a girl smiles at you.
All right. Never.
From now on, levelheaded Barney Fife.
That's me.
Okay?
Okay.
Well, give him a little sugar.
Aw, that's nice.
Little sugar on the jaw.
Make up.
Don't you have some place you want to go?
Oh, um...
I guess it's done, huh?
Yeah.
All over between you and Melissa.
Yeah...
How'd you do it?
How?
The only way these things can be done, Andy.
Fast. Clean.
She took it bad, I guess, huh?
Oh, yeah, she was upset, all right.
But it's her own fault.
Who told her to fall in love with me?
Anyway, I had to give it to her straight.
That was considerate.
Sure was close though.
It sure was.
Hello?
Sheriff Taylor speaking.
Oh, hello, Mr. Stevens.
Well, uh, is there something
I can do for you?
You don't say.
Well, is that right?
Well... really?
Well, I can understand
your position, Mr. Stevens.
What? What, what, what?
But... but I don't think
you have to start a breach of promise suit.
Breach of promise?!
Well, I tell you what, Mr. Stevens...
You-you-you and your daughter be in my office
first thing in the morning
and we'll see if we can't settle this.
Right. Right.
Bye.
A breach of promise suit?!
They're suing me? For what?!
Now, Barney...
But I didn't promise her anything.
I was railroaded.
I guess that's the price you pay for playing the field.
Oh, daddy, isn't this awful?
Control yourself. Oh, there, there.
You see, sheriff?
I mean, I demand satisfaction.
Now, I can't blame you, Mr. Stevens
but are you sure you want to go to all the trouble of a lawsuit?
Well, I...
Imagine we could settle this thing out of court.
Oh...
Easy, honey.
Uh... well, uh...
How much... how much would it take, would you say?
Well, she's been hurt real bad, sheriff.
See, what she really wanted was to marry this man.
But I suppose
that a cash settlement would help matters along.
Oh...
Uh-huh.
There he is!
Let's get on with it, sheriff.
What are you going to do about this?
We're gonna try to settle this to everybody's satisfaction
and avoid a breach of promise suit.
Now, Barney
you stand, you stand right over there.
And, Mr. Stevens
would you mind backing up
just a least little step there?
Got to be in the right position
for a settlement.
Now, there we are.
"Dearly beloved
"we are gathered together in the face of this company
to join together this man and woman in matrimony..."
That sounds like the marriage ceremony.
That's right.
We'll sign the license once we get through.
"Dearly beloved..."
Sheriff, what is this a joke or something?
Well, of course not.
We agreed to try to avoid a breach of promise suit
and if Melissa marries Barney
why, the promise you claimed he breached
won't be breached after all.
Ain't that right?
"Dearly beloved..."
Just a minute, sheriff.
Look, are you out of your mind?!
Stay out of this. Stay out of this?
Shut up. Shut up?
You think I'm gonna marry that squirt.
Squirt?!
Now, wait just a minute.
Now, I don't appreciate you calling my deputy a squirt.
And that's pretty fresh talk you're using
to your daddy there, too.
Or could it be that he's not your daddy?
And could it be that you can't marry Barney
'cause you're already married... Maybe to one another?
Is that barely possible?
Look, sheriff...
Forget it, Gladys.
You know what you all tried to do is against the law.
I have a mind to lock you up
but since you didn't succeed, I reckon you can leave.
And I mean mayberry.
Andy, you just saved my life.
Well...
But what I can't figure is
how'd you know about them?
I didn't.
Well, how could you take a chance like that?
How'd you know she wouldn't marry me?
Well, couple things kind of give 'em away.
Like what?
He seemed awful anxious
to make a settlement.
And then, too, she didn't look too unhappy.
Didn't look like to me she had cried nary a drop.
Oh.
But that wasn't really the thing
that clinched it.
No
well, I just got to studying
why would a girl that looked as pretty
and flashy, and big-city as she did...
Why would a girl like that
want to get involved...
With a squirt?
Squirt?!
Where do you come off calling me a squirt?!
Barney? Thelma Lou?
Is anybody here?
Oh, come on in, Andy. I'll get you a cup of coffee.
Barney?
Where are you?
Over here on the sofa.
It's awful dark in here.
Not too bad.
I'm gonna turn on a light.
Uh...
How's it going, Barn?
Fine, fine.
Hope you don't mind me dropping by.
No, as a matter of fact, we were just talking about you,
and we were hoping you'd drop by.
You and Thelma Lou get things patched up, did you?
Mm-hmm. Yes, we've been talking,
and I think, in time, things will work out.
What's so funny?
Didn't you ever see a man
drinking a cup of coffee before.
Smart aleck.